ramblings...

I got a text from my older brother earlier tonight. It seems that while my mother was hospitalized for pneumonia, they ran a bunch of tests and found out that she is in congestive heart failure.

What you have to understand about my mother is this -- she is slighty (okay - not slightly, substitute the word "freakishly") a hypochondriac. So here I am thinking, "Well, is she really in CHF or does she have some benign heart murmur?" For those of you who don't know my birth mother -- PLEASE don't think I am some hard-hearted daughter who doesn't love my mom. I do love my mom, and her name is Roben (she came along when I was around 6 yrs old).

Anyway, so since last Friday, I have known my mother was in the hospital. I've wondered if I should do the right thing and go see her, and I just think it best that I stay away. Not that I see her any other time either. I do my best to avoid any situation that involves being in close proximity to her.

So in the text from my brother, he's all "I know you have issues with her, but you need to make peace before it's too late. She doesn't know that I am telling you all this right now." Sheesh, attempt to take a stab at my heart Kenneth! Well, as I was reading this text - I discovered that I am truly hard-hearted toward my mother. I know that the Bible says to forgive and forget (my Reader's Digest version), but truly - how are you supposed to forgive and move past things when nothing has changed since you were a little girl? Why go to the hospital to see someone whom you really have no feelings for at all? If I were to go and pretend that I care about what is going on - I would be lying to myself and everyone around me.

God knows my true feelings, and I am not going to pretend that He doesn't know me more intimately than anyone ever will!



p.s. I can elaborate on my past if anyone is ever interested.